Frequently Asked Questions. . .

What is HammeredTimes?
Well, Duh! I knew that from reading your home page. What else should I know, wise-ass?
Why the name change?
What time is it?
Who is Gus Cooper, and why are you doing this to us?
You're speaking metaphorically when you talk about exploding, right?
Why does your newsletter text alignment appear all fucked up?
Didn't you used to have a fucking cat or something?
Are the questions in the "Ask Gus Cooper" advice column real?
Do you know how I can get to (such-and-such a location)?
How often do you intend to publish a new issue of HammeredTimes?
What have you got against Regis Philbin? Why are you constantly making fun of him?
It seems like you're kind of new at all this web stuff / your website looks cheesy.
Am I a moron?
Isn't there some legal mumbo-jumbo that you should probably get out of the way?
Do you want fries with that?
Your writing is atrocious. Did you even go to school?
How can I make my Neo-Luddite friends happy?


What is HammeredTimes?
HammeredTimes is a web-based newsletter that covers real and imaginary news from across the country and around the world.         [back to top]

Well, Duh! I knew that from reading your home page. What else should I know, wise-ass?
HammeredTimes was first published in 1979. You can view a brief history
here. HammeredTimes was most recently known as ANALGRAM, which stands for Another Newsletter About Life in (a word starting with "G" that was different every issue) Rural Areas, Mostly.         [back to top]

Why the name change?
When this newsletter adopted the
ANALGRAM name in the late '90s, I was only covering stories about life in rural America. I have expanded the coverage worldwide because, frankly, there are only so many hillbilly jokes I can tell. So a name change was in order, and HammeredTimes was born.

Also, I ran out of words that begin with the letter "G."         [back to top]

What time is it?
- I dunno. It depends where you are right now, or
- Buy a fucking watch, moron, or
- Check
here. Then hurry back, because I'm just positive these faqs will get even more hilarious.         [back to top]

Who is Gus Cooper, and why are you doing this to us?
Gus Cooper is the pen name I use for anything I publish. I'm a single, white, heterosexual, good-looking, intelligent, sophisticated, well-hung, middle-aged male who lives in rural Ohio. I am publishing HammeredTimes on the Internet because I need an outlet for all of my creative thoughts. If I didn't publish, all that shit would build up inside of me until I exploded.        
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You're speaking metaphorically when you talk about exploding, right?
If that will help you sleep better at night, then yes; yes I am.        
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HammeredTimes is far-and-away the funniest website on the Internet. MUCH more entertaining than TheOnion.com and Cracked.com put together. But why does your newsletter text alignment appear all fucked up?
You're probably shitfaced. Sober up and then try again in a few hours.

No, really.
This website has been optimized for:
       - Windows 7 with a screen text size of "Smaller - 100% (default),"
       - A monitor resolution of 1152 x 864, and
       - Google's Chrome browser ver. 19 with the default page zoom level set at 100%.
While HammeredTimes should render decently in all browsers, if your browser or computer settings differ from those shown above the newsletter appearance may be slightly off.       
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Didn't you used to have a fucking cat or something?
Derrick was as good a pet as anybody could want, but he was absolutely 100% worthless. I used to work with someone at the Post Office named "Derrick" who was just as worthless, and that's where the name came from. My next pet will be named "Bryan."         [back to top]

Are the questions in the "Ask Gus Cooper" advice column real?
Well, in this crazy, postmodern world that we inhabit, who's qualified to say what's real and what isn't. Certainly not you, that's for sure.        
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Do you know how I can get to (such-and-such a location)?
- You can't get there from here, or
- No -- buy a fucking GPS receiver, or
- Check
here, and be sure to add the site to your favorites list, because that has GOT to be one of the most useful websites on the entire Internet. And while you're at it, don't forget to bookmark HammeredTimes.com also.         [back to top]

How often do you intend to publish a new issue of HammeredTimes?
I'm shooting for a new issue every month, but that may be overly ambitious considering what a lazy slob I am. A lot is going to depend on how much I have to drink and whether any new hallucinogens come on the market in the near future. But check back every so often; if you see that the site hasn't been updated with a new issue, check out the archives section. You'll find some seriously funny shit in our back issues. I still laugh out loud when I re-read that material, and I'm the one who wrote it.*

*[Editor's note: Not a guarantee of hilarity. This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. You should not examine back issues if you are under 18, overly sensitive, gravely ill or Panamanian. Possible side effects of convulsive laughter, while rare, include hernias, ruptured spleens, uncontrollable spontaneous erections, and goiters.]         [back to top]

What have you got against Regis Philbin? Why are you constantly making fun of him?
I actually have great admiration for the man. But I need a comic foil, and even I think that it’s in poor taste to continue poking fun at Dick Clark.         [back to top]

It seems like you're kind of new at all this web stuff. I mean, your HTML coding is cheesy, your web page layouts are unorganized, and frankly, I think a drunk monkey working at a keyboard could probably do better than you. What's up wit dat?
I can't argue with you there. I really don't know the first thing about web design. But nearly everyone I know is doing it, and my friends decided it was time to drag me, kicking and screaming, into the 21st century.

It's very scary here. I want to go back.         [back to top]

Whenever I click one of your links that is supposed to make a new window pop up, nothing happens. Am I a moron?
Probably. That would be getting to the root of the problem. But you may be viewing this site with a browser that has JavaScript disabled, or you may have a pop-up window disabling program running. One solution would be to visit a friend who owns a computer and try looking at this site there. Do NOT try accessing this site at a public library. They will probably throw you out. Especially if you're not wearing any clothes. Trust me on this. Or, try the following —

If you're using Chrome: Go home. Ha! That rhymes. No, I can help you:
- At the top of your browser window, click the wrench icon on the browser toolbar.
- Select Settings.
- At the bottom, click Show advanced settings....
- Near the top, in the "JavaScript" section, select the radio button next to Allow all sites to run JavaScript (recommended). Also, about halfway down this same window, in the "Privacy" section, click the [Content settings...] button.
- About halfway down, In the "Pop-ups" section, click the [Manage exceptions...] button.
- Add "HammeredTimes.com" to the list.
If you're using Firefox: At the top of your browser window click on Tools, select Options, and at the top of the little window that opens, select Content. Then remove the checkmark from the Block pop-up windows option, and add a checkmark to the Enable JavaScript option. Click [OK].
If you're using Safari or Opera: What are you trying to prove?
If you're using Internet Explorer: What the fuck is wrong with you?   [back to top]

Isn't there some legal mumbo-jumbo that you should probably get out of the way?
Yeah, I guess you're right . . .

Legal Disclaimer
    Hammered Times, HammeredTimes and hammeredtimes.com are all the property of Gus Cooper and Rocket Productions, and are used interchangeably. ANALGRAM is now in the public domain, so there. HammeredTimes is a satirical newsletter, and while some of the stories may have been inspired by real events, any resemblance to actual persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental, except for when we poke fun at people in the public spotlight.
    This site may contain viewpoints deemed politically incorrect, dirty words, cuss words, depictions of animals without clothing (including humans), really awful jokes, grainy photographs, neo-Nazi literature, and suggestions that may be anatomically difficult or impossible, and as such this site should not be viewed by those under 18 years old (36 years old in Chillicothe, OH).
    Do not attempt any stunts you see described here. Don't eat or drink anything you see described here. Don't follow any advice you read here. In short, don't be a moron. Oh, just don't do anything, all right?
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Do you want fries with that?
No, you greasy-faced, pimple-shouldered, skinny-ass, flabby-arm, pencil-neck geek. No, I do not.
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Your writing is atrocious. Did you even go to school?
I try to follow The Chicago Manual of Style (14th edition) while editing this website, but because of the huge quantities of alcohol involved, mistakes are inevitable. Garbled or misaligned text can also occur because different browsers are going to render these pages somewhat differently. I have tried to avoid fancy fonts, but fancy fonts amuse me when I've been drinking, so what are you gonna do?
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Because I am a person with good taste, I enjoy reading your newsletter directly off the Internet. However, I have some Neo-Luddite friends who prefer reading a printed copy. How can I get each page of your newsletter to print out on a single sheet of paper?
Because of the length of some articles, it may not be possible to do this. If you still want to try, do this:

If you're using Chrome: You're out of luck. Chrome doesn't provide a way to adjust the print area.
If you're using Firefox: At the top of your browser window click on File, then select Print Preview. Again at the top of your browser, click the [Page Setup...] button and at the top of the little window that opens, select Format and Options. Adjust the figure in the Scale: box (90% usually does it) and then click [OK]. If that particular webpage fits, you're golden. Otherwise, continuing adjusting the scale percentage until the page fits on one sheet.
If you're using Safari or Opera: You're really starting to get on my nerves.
If you're using Internet Explorer: You're living in the past.   [back to top]


         

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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