Published by Rocket Productions                                                              Apr  2014

. . . it would add a whole new meaning to the phrase "sneezing your ass off," don'tcha think?

By Gus Cooper
HammeredTimes science reporter

    Researchers at the Fort Lau-
derdale Agricultural & Technical University System (FLATUS) have recently determined that the next evolution of humans may pass gas as involuntarily as modern man sneezes.
    Using extensive computer modeling, the FLATUS scientists ran a virtual copy of the current human genome for Homo sapiens through tens of thousands of simulated
generations. They exposed our genetic code to environmental and sociological conditions projected to exist far into the future. It is no surprise that their result showed our distant descendent, named Homo flatulus in honor of the college, would be nearly devoid of hair and weigh roughly 20 percent more than modern man. But just as a human will sneeze almost reflexively whenever his brain detects an obstruction in the nasal cavity, our future-generation successor would also spontaneously fart to help clear suspected blockages of the anal passage.
    “It raises a number of inter-
esting questions,” says S.N. Suhvanus, head researcher of the
FLATUS team. “For example,
once the reflex has been triggered, without some kind of intervention (like chopping someone in the face with a machete) a sneeze experience is almost unavoidable.

Please see:
Jump the Shart, Page 2

In other news:

New New-age tabloid magazine hits the newsstands.

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